Random Picture

I wonder what precipitated this warning sign. 

More nature

Still trying to get outside and take more pictures. I took this yesterday on a bike ride after work. That 'date stamp' is certainly killing the mood. I finally figured out how to get rid of it. 

Don't Say on a First Date

In my time navigating the wilds of the online dating world, I've come across quite a few characters. Some men I've met became good friends, a few became boyfriends, a couple fell into the category of "Whoa! I think I've made an awful mistake." , and several were just plain old no-drama first dates, never to be seen again.

First dates can be exhilarating, terrifying, mind numbingly boring, and sometimes just down right entertaining. I've pieced together a list of memorable quotes, some from friends but most from my own experience, of things you should NOT say on a first date.

Men

10. I had to meet you in person to see if you smell better than you look. (said jokingly, I hope)

9. A few months ago I helped my ex home birth her baby.

8. Do you have a policy against sex on the first date?

7. You look a lot younger in your pictures.

6. You look older in person.

5. My cats sleep with me in my bed.

4. So...are you into porn?

3. I think my ex-wife might have given me herpes.

2. Well, we're not divorced just yet.

1. I'm always hungry and horny.

Women

10. Lets go out again Saturday. My period should be over by then.

9. I'm thinking of having my eggs frozen.

8. My dogs sleep in the bed with me.

7. I'm thinking about cutting my hair really short.

6. I can wait for you to meet my parents.

5. Any chance you can spot me $20 for parking?

4. I'm new to the dating scene. I just got out of jail.

3. Maybe we could go see the "Sex and the City" movie together.

2. I'm trying to start my life over after a string of bad relationships.

1. I absolutely love kids. I can't wait to have kids. How many kids do you want? I mean....not with me per se. I'm just speaking hypothetically of course. We're not even exclusive yet. I wouldn't want to rush things or anything but don't you love the names Aidan for a boy or Emily for a girl? Those aren't final. I mean, I'd like to have a boy and a girl but, I'd be happy as long as its healthy. Ideally, I'd like for them to be close together.....

Sunday Monrning Quiz

The person who drives this raised truck is:

a. compensating for his "shortcomings" (read: small penis)

b. a total douche bag

c. one of many mouth breather, knuckle draggers in my apartment complex

d. all of the above

If you guessed "d-all of the above", you knew you were right after choices a. and b.

Bike to Work Day

Tomorrow is national Bike to Work Day. It will be the first time I actually ride my bike to work. I have biked along scenic trails as a wee one,  to school in 6th-8th grades, the store in 10th grade, to class dodging buses in downtown Chicago and on architectural tours along Lake Michigan in my 20s but, I have never biked to work. 

My route is short, a mere 2.5 miles, straight, and flat. Sure, no Mt. Everest but, it will certainly be my Everest. Last year at this time, I was just starting to walk without a cane or crutch. It was the beginning of the end of me being nearly bed (or couch) bound for 3-4 hours a day. I had just begun to enjoy walking the dogs again instead of hobbling along like an old woman while they patiently waited for me to catch up. I could actually sit through movie without being in complete agony. 

So on this, my first Bike to Work Day, I know the distance is short but, I sure have come a long way. 

WWJD?

Today on my way home from work, I saw a car emblazoned with the words “DRIVEN FOR JESUS” in hot pink letters on the back windshield. Now, I’m not sure if they driver is the one driven for Jesus as in “Jesus is the one who motivates me from day to day” or that literally he was driving that actual car for Jesus. I looked at the passenger in the front seat and don’t think he was Jesus. I know I’ve never met him either but, from the children’s Bible stories that I’ve seen he’s not a 19 year old slacker with a black t-shirt. My real concern was not that this person might have been driving the son of God around downtown San Jose but, the choice of car. If I were driving for Jesus I certainly wouldn’t choose an early model Chevy Corisca. Its not an awful car but, not the best one suited for the Messiah. If I were Jesus’ chauffeur, I’d make sure he was not only safe but stylin’. My choice: a white Cadillac Escalade. Nothing says “I died for your sins.” like 12mpg, yards or chrome, and spinning rims.

Fireworks are always cool. 

Its the little things that bring me joy

One of my favorite pastimes is scanning craigslist ads. The "free" section in For Sale and "Etc" in Jobs are usually my first stop. I found this little nugget in the "Etc" seciton tonight.

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED

Jock Itch?
Itchy, scaly groin area?
Researchers in the Department of Dermatology at UCSF are doing a study using an investigational topical treatment for jock itch. Subjects (age 12 and older) who currently have jock itch are needed.
Participants will receive either a medicated cream or a cream without any medication in it to put on their affected groin area.
Payment provided.

I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for, the research assist who has to qualify the subjects or the subjects who get the placebo.

Snippets

I'm always amused when I hear parts of people's conversations out of context. I'm going to share one snippet every week. 

I overheard this while eating fish tacos in an outdoor patio today: "She's had a really tough year. She had to have her leg amputated."  

Of course, not amusing on the surface but, the speaker was referring to her dog that she wheeled onto the patio in a baby stroller. That dog definitely needed a margarita. 

What my shoes (unfortunately) say about me

Most of my shoes say, "Wow! You must have really bad feet." It wasn't always this way. I used to wear cute shoes; cute and painful. I suffered through sprained ankles, crammed toes, and blisters the size of golf balls. And for what? Well, I'm done. I've basically thrown in the towel. All I really need are rubber souls affixed to my bare feet. I'd do just fine.

I took this picture on a short hike (more like a walk on an unpaved trail but, I call it hiking) on the day after Christmas 2008. Not a snow shovel or snow plow in sight. 

Californication

I have been helping out in the the religious education class for Kindergarten through second graders at a Unitarian Universalist church I drop into on occasion. I felt particularly giving and inspired one Sunday and agreed to help out once a month. Well, I thought it would only be for a few months but, lo and behold its almost been a year. Normally I sort of dread going because it interferes with my scheduled Sunday morning loafing but, I drag myself in anyway. 

This Sunday we (and by "we" I mean the head teacher. I only assist by keeping the peace and making sure no one gets glitter glue in their hair.) taught the kids about the Jewish holiday of Shavuot. Its not easy teaching a bunch of squirming and bored kids about a holiday that has nothing to do with them getting toys or candy. But this Sunday particularly rough. We had a group of 4 boys and only one girl. What is it about boys? They can't just sit still.  

So the head teacher had several children's books about Jewish holidays and some brought for explaining the traditions. She tried her best to explain to this rowdy bunch that Shavuot commemorates the time when God  handed down the Ten Commandments to Moses and the Israelites at Mt. Sinai and led them out of Egypt to Palestine. He promised the the land would be "flowing with milk and honey" (which, I guess was good if you like that sort of thing). Symbolic? Sure. Captivating? Not so much. 

Everyone perked up when the props came out, especially when we heard modern day Jews celebrate with cheesecake or other dairy products. Instead of the traditional cheese blintzes or authentic New York cheesecake, our fearless lead teacher brought in a not quite thawed cheesecake from Trader Joe's. OK. And to top it off....Redi-Whip. Hey! Its real dairy. It says so right on the can. She also brought honey (in bear form, of course) and honey flavored pretzels for the lactose intolerant of the group, milk instead of juice, and flavored mineral water (again.....lactose intolerance). It was just like any other celebration in the old neighborhood. 

The kids were happy. I was eating cheesecake for breakfast and no one had a melt down when their Playdoh tablets only had room for 4 out of 10 Commandments. All in all it was a successful class. Looking at the spread on the table I couldn't help but laugh. I definitely know I've found my promised land here in California. It is a land flowing with soy milk and 100% organic, fair trade, raw honey. Even better, I didn't have to cross the desert to get here. 

Not OK

I had dinner with a friend at a local burger joint. This was the kind of place where they make your food to order (no...not BK). So we had plenty of time to wait for our food. In the middle of our chit-chat and scan of the local weekly, I looked up and notice a dude in his black undies just casually walking down the street. No shirt, no shoes, no worries. He was actually not bad looking and you don't often see someone halfway decent in their underwear outside of the bedroom or Calvin Klein billboard. But, here he was, just taking a stroll down a major thoroughfare. Nothing unusual about that, right?

Well, about 20 feet behind him was a slow moving police cruiser. It seemed as if he had been following my unclothed friend for some time and was just waiting for him to do something wrong. After all, its not a crime to walk casually in your underwear in public. If he had been at the beach or pool no one would have even noticed but, he was on a busy street. After watching Mr. Jockey and his police escort for about a minute he had gone out of view but, seconds later 4 more police cruisers roared down the street in his direction. I can only imagine what was happening.  My dinner companion and I got our burgers, loaded them up with toppings, and sat down to eat as if nothing had happened. After all, in my mind, we had already seen the most interesting part of the situation. 

For Cinder

It has taken me quite some time to get this blog going. In my head, I'm blogging constantly. Sometimes, when the mood strikes I put pen to paper and save my thoughts. Originally I titled this blog "Urban Anthropology" but, I was never happy with that title. I wanted my blog (and its title) to convey what essentially this blog would be all about. Finally while taking a shower (where most of my ideas pop up) I came up with "The Naked Chimp". My favorite thing to write about are observations of the everyday and slightly off kilter habits of my favorite subjects: other people. 

As an anthropology major at Emory Univ. I spent countless hours observing and cataloging the behaviors of chimpanzees, low land gorillas, orangutans, and howler monkeys at Zoo Atlanta. I ultimately became a physical therapist...which did require some degree of observation but, it wasn't quite the same. NO...I use my power of observation any and everywhere, mentally noting things I find amusing, strange, or just plain shocking. My brain is getting full. Its about time I get all of my musings out of my head and release them into cyberspace. 

When I checked to see if my new title was already taken, I googled it and several stories popped up about Cinder, an actual naked chimp. What a face! Cinder suffered from alopecia but, I read she lived a relatively normal life in the St. Louis Zoo until she dies in February 2009. 

So, for Cinder and all the other naked chimps.....I'm watching.